I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
