Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
