Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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