I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
