I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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