Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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