No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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