I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
