girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
