i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
