Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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