I need to stop coming to work sober
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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