The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
