anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
