if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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