She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
