My boss' voice literally gives me gas
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
