Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
