The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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