Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
