And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
