she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
