the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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