so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
