Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize