u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
