a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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