Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
