Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize