I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
