Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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