I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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