Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
