3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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