my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
