before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
