Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
