remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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