Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
