After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
