You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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