dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
