shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
