chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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