I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
