These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize