I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
