i need an iv and a liver transplant
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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