I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It's blow job season.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
