My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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