You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
