her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
