I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
