Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
