I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
