cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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