im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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