good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
