i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
