So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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