My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
